The Conversion of a Pom

The first two years in Australia I spent on 800,000 hectares of salt bush country west of Broken Hill. We needed binoculars to find the 80,000 sheep.

It was a wonderful introduction to Australia and a delightful group of people who had little interest in one's background - a refreshing experience for someone recently out from England. If you were a 'good worker' and contributed to the team you were a 'good bloke'.

In the first few weeks I came across words and expressions that had to be explained to me. I kept a notebook of their English translations. I then decided to keep a record of these by putting them into verse. The result became 'The Conversion of a Pom' - a plagiarization of Kipling's 'If'.

The Conversion of a Pom

If you now shout out “dill” when someone’s silly,
Or simply “drongo” ‘stead of “bloody fool”;
If when you brew your tea you use a billy,
Or eat your tucker when food was once the rule;
If where you camp is really where you sleep;
If something good is bonza, beowdy, beaut;
If you can tell a jumbuck is just another sheep,
Or if you know a blucher is nothing but a boot;

If someone raising sheep to you’s a squatter;
If all your kit you simply know as swag;
If you growl “bastard” ‘stead of saying “rotter”,
Or ”retting” when you’re dragging on a fag;
If “smoko” gently slips your tongue when breaking work for tea;
If when you buy the drinks you say you shout,
And if you know that, miss a shout, a piker’s what you’ll be,
Then if you know that in that school for you a drink is out;

If you know shirking work is merely bludging,
Or if you say you’re crook when feeling rough
And blame the ding or party, with some grudging,
For all the plonk and beer and tempting stuff;
If once astride a motorbike you know you’re on a grid,
If trousers are the things you know as strides,
Or if your hat you casually refer to as a lid;
Then, pommie, that façade of yours a dinkum Aussie hides.